


Toilet Armageddon - Anaconda Spacelines Flight 6539

by eliora



Category: Mayday | Air Crash Investigation (TV), Nicki Minaj (Musician)
Genre: Anaconda, Apocalypse, Armageddon, COVID-19, Coronavirus, Nicki Minaj - Freeform, Pandemic - Freeform, Shitty situation, Toilet, Toilet humor, lockdown - Freeform, shitty stories, stay at home, youtube poop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24982360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliora/pseuds/eliora
Summary: A plane crashes into a planet with quarantine, making its year 2020 even worse.  Many fear that the plane’s crash is no accident, because of persistence of school terrorism at that time.





	Toilet Armageddon - Anaconda Spacelines Flight 6539

**Author's Note:**

> Incomplete work

April 3, 12596190033.  
Anaconda is, at the time, the 69th most populated star in the Universe, with a population of 251.8 octillion people. The population increases by about 100 trillion people every second, a rate that remained fairly constant since the Triassic period. Today, it has dropped to ranking as 225, but it now has 922 octillion people.  
Among some of the people contributing to the count are Ignicia and Cireoa Reu-Velk. They are a non-binary couple who had a biological baby named Siderus born on March 8. The couple are going to the 1st largest star and 3rd most populated, HIP 828056, for a vacation, and Ignicia’s mother, the baby’s grandma is going to care about them.  
\- So you listened to all recommendations to take care of Siderus? - says Cireoa.  
\- Sure, for sure. - says Cnaia, the grandmother.  
\- Alright, they are on you! - Ignicia smiles and the two walk off to the spaceport.  
Why “they”, not he or she? American Airlines Flight 191. Following the crash of the DC-10 and discovering what happened in repairs, Intergalactic Civil Spaceflight Organisation (ICSO) issued a recommendation to not gender babies and only disclose baby’s biology to family. Anaconda was one of the stars that followed it. In the state of Illinois, HIP 828056, it became mandatory.  
It is Neeva-358 flu quarantine in Anaconda, a week off for many. But at the spaceport in the capital city, Veneukali, it is just another busy day. Anaconda Spacelines Flight 6539 is carrying 282’134’466 passengers to the star HR-9017, a white hypergiant of 8400 Kelvin. The plane is a Geforeskin G-2399, which is a seven-engine warp drive plane, with the middle engine, number 4, mounted on the tail. The other six engines, 1-2-3 and 5-6-7 respectively, are mounted on the wings. The plane is 45 km long, and of about 52 km wingspan.  
The crew is making preparations for takeoff. In a middle seat of the plane, a person from the star Anayeres is playing ukulele. He is wearing a trans flag t-shirt with “He/him” pronouns written in glitter on it. Then flight attendant approaches him and says:  
\- Sir, I am going to ask you to keep this stowed for takeoff.  
\- Alright, no problem.  
The trans boy puts ukulele in the overhead locker. Passengers are buckling up their seats. In two of the seats near the plane’s windows, a lesbian couple is sitting. The two girls have found each other in another Anaconda flight.  
\- Luckily they haven’t split us apart. – says Mellorine, mavka from the star Altair.  
\- That is amazing. – says Sigor, mavka from the star Vega. – Would you be ordering something in-flight?  
\- Nah, I always pack my lunch. – says Mellorine.  
\- You feel safe on this plane? Do you have any depressive thoughts? – Sigor asks.  
\- I think I am making it. – mavka from Altair replies with a smile.  
Mellorine has been dealing with major depressive disorder and suicidal thoughts for a long time, and her girlfriend is very supportive. This flight is the couple returning home to HR-9017. Altair girl also survived an incident of number Pi on March 14 the same year, when 7th grade terrorists flew planes into Ukinon Physic-Mathematical Lyceum during an olympiad, killing more than 16’000 people.  
At 10:42 AM, plane is standing at the gate and drinking passengers like from a straw. The door below the G-2399 allows for this sight. Captain Telaut Arduringo has been flying for Anaconda for 3 million years. He looks like he has a head of a corona virus, with bobs and crowns picturing out. In addition, Telaut uses ze/zir pronouns on top of he/him. First Officer Ontoraq Derudzi will be the pilot flying today, and he has, coincidentally, 6539 hours as of this flight. Look-wise, he has a beak and looks like a crow or a plague doctor in the Middle ages.  
Passengers are looking forward to replacing bleak, rainy April weather with firm, white hot climate of HR-9017. Soon after, the plane is clear to push.  
\- Anaconda 6539, follow Pan Am Penisforce 747 ahead.  
Flight 6539 isn’t the only flight using this space. The Geforeskin is following a Pan American Flight 69, wearing pangender livery, along the taxiway. PA69 is also the flight which the non-binary family boarded.  
\- Roger, follow Pan Am 747 Ahead. – captain says. – Your plane, you check the rudders. – he tells the first officer.  
The plane begins turning to follow PA69, and first officer evaluates rudders at this time.  
\- Rudders check. Taxi checklist is complete and tested. – he reports to the captain.  
Sigor is looking out of the window and seeing tails of various spacelines on the apron. OJ 287, Holmberg 15A, United, Intermezzo, De Libertate, Contra spem spero… wait is that a real spaceline? The girl is surprised to see the pattern of her literature school education on spacecraft’s tails. Then, the mavka is seeing small spaceships buzzing like ants at the bottom of the spaceport beneath large planes. One of them could be Vega or Altair.  
Eventually, the spaceplane has went through twisted taxiways and is now near the runway.  
\- Anaconda 6539, taxi into position and hold, runway 5 pi over 6 Dark Shade.  
\- Taxi and hold, 5 pi 6 Dark Shade Anaconda 6539. – says the captain.  
After waiting for PA69 to fly a safe distance away, to avoid warp waves, the plane asks for clearances.  
\- Anaconda 6359, request clearance for takeoff.  
The controller looks at the screen and sees that PA69 has flown far enough. Then she says:  
\- Anaconda 6539, cleared for takeoff.  
Captain then makes an announcement:  
\- Passengers, we have finally been given the way, we are will be soon in a right turn over the galaxy’s disk.  
Everyone in the cabin is excited. First Officer takes a breath of preparations, and puts his hand on the throttle.  
\- I’m on the roll. – says Ontoraq.  
First officer pushes forward the 7 throttles and the plane begins accelerating.  
\- One percent C. – Ontoraq called out the plane reaching 1% the speed of light. (3000 km/s)  
\- V1. – he recites again. Plane is at 32400 km/s now.  
\- Rotate.  
\- V2. – Ontoraq called out the escape velocity of the star, 45800 km/s.  
The plane is climbing steadily. Slightly later, Sigor tells Mel: “If you feel bad, let me know”. Mel makes a facial expression of response, and she is a bit nervous about the climb. She has entered a non-verbal episode for now.  
25 minutes later, plane has reached a speed of 17’000 light-years per second, or level three nine zero. The plane has used the empty space around the galaxy’s disk to gain climb and is now heading to the other side. This maneuvering saves fuel, as opposed to cutting through the galactic bulge and dusty star formations.  
\- We are at 390. – says first officer. - Autopilot engage.  
\- Confirm autopilot engage, - says the captain.  
Telaut then makes an announcement:  
\- Passengers, the seatbelt sign has been switched off, but you are still advised to keep your seatbelt on at all times. In addition, we will be flying through a region of mild gravitational waves near Omromod and X48-IIP galaxies.  
Mellorine has gotten out of a nonverbal state and says “I feel alright”.  
120 million years down the way out of 360, about 3 hours later, plane is transferred to Simlon Control Center. Simlon is the largest star in the galaxy X48-IIP.  
\- Anaconda 6539, Simlon. – says the controller.  
\- Anaconda 6539, Simlon, good day, maintaining 390, estimating Ninis 1248. – says the captain. Ninis is a waypoint.  
\- Roger, maintain current heading and 390.  
\- Okay, will do.  
\- Be advised of gravitational waves from neutron star collisons between estimate one two four eight and one three zero zero.  
\- Oh my, that is a crap load of neutron star collisions.  
At 12:48, Telaut reports the plane passing over Ninis. Then, plane slightly rocks from the left wing.  
\- Damn, there is the turbulence.  
\- Not too rough.  
\- You think it would be good to go around?  
\- Perhaps, but it means wasting kinetic energy.  
\- I think we will go through.  
Sigor reacts quickly and asks Mellorine: "You need some help”?  
\- It would be good if you could hold my hand.  
\- Alright, anything for you.  
Two girls smile at each other, with a bit of tear in Mellorine’s eyes. Captain makes things clear to the passengers.  
\- Attention passengers, we are entering a period of mild gravitational waves, the seatbelt sign has been switched on, please keep your seatbelt fastened.  
Then, plane’s quaking becomes a little bit stronger. Flight attendants begin to stow things. As the cosmic turbulence rocks the spaceplane, one passenger at the 54th floor, near the tail is having huge stomach problems. He grabs the flight attendant as they pass by and asks:  
\- I need urgent help, I have an emergency. – the passenger says.  
\- What do you have, ow? – flight attendant asks as they are surprised that they were grabbed like this.  
\- I need to use the bathroom right now, I have diarrhea.  
\- Okay, I will contact pilots, it will be quick.  
The steward-they rush to the intercom and ask the captain:  
\- Ahh, we have a problem here.  
\- Kind of problem? – captain asks.  
\- A passenger has diarrhea and wants to use the toilet before seatbelt sign is switched off.  
\- Alright, let them.  
“You can go!” – flight attendant says. Passenger rushes to the toilet and slams the door. Switch jumps like a lightning from “Vacant” to “Occupied”. The person pulls down their pants, and they are in a big level of embarrassment stilll, even though the door is locked.  
\- Oh shit, what people are gonna think of me… - they think to themselves.  
The they/them person is sitting on the toilet, waiting for the poop to come out, but now, abruptly, it doesn’t come out. Now, it was absolutely stuck in their anus. So they came up with a brilliant concusion: use the on-board toilet plunger to get the poop out of their butt.  
It works.  
Now, the shit is flowing into the toilet bowl and is now at the risk of overfilling. What is making the risk of overfilling worse, is that they are using toilet paper excessively. Theyby uses 7 16-fold rolls of toilet paper, but the shit is still suck to the ass. Now they try to make a shower essentially, and use water to wash remaning shit. It sorta works?  
3 minutes pass. Then 4. Flight attendant becomes concerned with the person in the toilet. They walk to the lavatory, in a drunk-like walking fashion due to turbulence, and knock on the door. FA asks:  
\- Everything alright?  
To the toiletter, however, it is mentally a sign that they need to get out of the toilet faster. They say;  
\- Yes yes, I am finishing this. – They wash a massive pile of shit down the toilet basin, and get out.  
\- Thank you for your kindness. – they smile and go to their seat.  
The person goes back to the seat, and they are still worried about bits of poop that didn’t wipe and wash completely.  
Then, everything starts rumbling creschendically, and then the yoke starts slipping out of first oficcer’s hand. Sigor and Mel hold onto each other tighter.  
\- Easy, easy… – FO says to the captain.  
Then, an even more slipping sensation begins, as if someone dropped a pile of dishes, and at this time speed indicator begins dropping: 39000, 38000, 37000, etc. On top of all of this, a loud, thud, booming sound rocks the spaceplane.  
\- Holy crap! – Captain says. Ze doesn’t realize how zir words are correct. - What the hell are we into!  
The spaceplane began losing its assigned warp energy and falling out of its assigned level. It is flying over a dwarf galaxy UR-DIC with an active region of star and planet formation, and it is headed straight for it. In addition, plane is uncontrollably moving from side to side.  
\- Get out of it, Get out of it! – Telaut enforces.  
With no warning, throttle for engine 4 snaps to idle, making a clacking bang sound.  
\- And we’ve lost number 4!  
The crew realizes that they have lost power from engine 4, the one that is mounted on the tail.  
Sigor looks to Mel and sees that expression on her face is now actually happy, as if her depression was cured. She knows that it is a sign of person about to end their life. She tells Mel:  
\- Oh, we are going to live, I hope. Please don’t despair or think that it is over.  
\- I don’t think that it is over, I am happy! – Mel replies.  
\- But it is the sign of suicidal ideation and thinking that it is over… - Sigor holds onto Mel.  
The spaceplane is losing even more speed, and it is heading now for the stellar systems. At a planet HLX-1578 b, unsuspecting people are living their normal lives. They aren’t aware that they are on the brink of a mass extinction in a few seconds.  
HLX-1578 b is an Earth-like planet, orbiting a Sun-like star. It has year length of 370.207 days, and a population of about 9.5 billion people. The planet’s civilization is currently going through coronavirus pandemic of COVID-19. There is a planetwide quarantine imposed, and people aren’t allowed to get out of their homes unless to buy essential items or visit essential businesses. The calendar date on this planet is March 26, 2020, and it is 9 AM.  
Michael, a human from this planet is half-sleeping in his home. There is nothing to do anyway. People are in a big sense of despair and that earlier times were better. In the falling spaceplane, captain remarks:  
\- Oh no, we’re stuck in it.  
\- Recover, recover, recover! – says first officer under his mouth.  
Space traffic controller which cleared the flight was talking to Leikiso Flight 268, when she gets a notice:  
\- “Tower, look to the Solar System. There is a spacecraft crashing”.  
The girl looks into the telescope towards the planetary system and sees another dot move fast. Then she presses the red button and says “Spaceplane going down!”.  
The warp noise from the spaceplane shook the air of the planet, and house started now vibrating, and noise got louder. Very few people who were outside, saw a big plane in the sky falling towards the planet like an asteroid. Soon after, things start falling in the houses. Michael jumps for his glasses as a first instinct.  
In the cockpit, alarms sound. Whoop Whoop Pull Up. Whoop Whoop Pull Up.  
\- Get out of it, get out of it! – Telaut rages.  
Stall Stall. Sink Rate Pull Up.  
\- There it goes. – says Telaut. – This is it, baby!  
Boom.  
Flight 6539 has crashed into the deepest point in the ocean of the planet HLX-1578 b at a speed of 69’420 meters per second. The fuel ignites into a massive fireball, engulfing several provinces of the Xabai country. The shockwave travels across an entire planet, with pieces of the plane falling into Michael’s backyard.  
The explosive energy released by the crash is 53 teratons of TNT, or 10.17 points on the Consiglio scale, which corresponds to an extinction of about 760’000 species. Flight 6539 caused massive wildfires, earthquakes, and tsunamis. But the biggest impact on the planet was the flying debris blasted high into the atmosphere, between altitudes of 10 and 50 kilometers. The earth was thrown into almost permanent night.  
In the tower, controller asks over the phone:  
\- Are you missing any flights?  
\- Anaconda Flight 6539 is down. – voice over the phone says.  
Afterwards, she relays the same informaiton to others.  
At the planet, the flying debris have already blasted several aircraft out of their levels. Michael ran outside, to see all the black smoke around, and asks the public: “What the hell happened”? The planet, facing the COVID-19 coronavirus, now has a much bigger problem on its hands.  
Simlonese investigators are the first to arrive at the crash site. They find a crater 9.78 kilometers (6.03 mi) in diameter, and 590 m in depth. Several whole countries have been removed from the planet with the force of the tsunami.  
An anti-school terrorism team from Altair was dispatched to the crash site, to investigate any possible occurences of terrorism. A news crew is asking on of the AST team members what do they think:  
\- This really mirrors the attacks on March 14, because why would anyone want to crash a plane into a small planet. – says Dasha.  
Altairan space crash investigators are primarily preoccupied with the security of the crash site, and security of people during the coronavirus pandemic.  
\- We asked for space cover, subject Aurelia has that, we asked for quarantine maintenance, Aurelia has that. – explains Jamon of AST. – “Subject Aurelia” is a shorthand term for a planet where this is happening.  
\- We are making sure that people follow quarantine measures, nobody in, nobody out – says Ceifxa, an investigator from Aurelia which joined the cosmic team.  
But this is a plane crash, and as the result, investigators from Party Rock Anthem Transportation Safety Board, the manufacturer, join the case, as do Anaconda’s Air Maintenance Space, and Simlonese Accident Investigation Unit, since plane flew under their traffic control.  
One day after the crash, whole investigative team was assembled at the site. Since oceans of the planet were only 11’000 meters deep, there wasn’t a significantly deep work that had to be done to retrieve large pieces of the spaceplane.  
A preliminary examination by the necrological team showed that all 268 million people onboard are dead.  
\- We must wait until the end of implied mass extinction to estimate ground casualites. – says Scalk from Anaconda, an investigator in environmental abuse.  
\- Alright, then carry out a procedure for each species’ needs for how to handle dead bodies. – adds Tahunqa, another environmentalist.  
\- This means all mavkae must be put to a safe spot with other mavake surrounding them when they come conscious, if they do. There were 41 aboard, so keep going.  
All the 41 mavkae who were onboard, including Sigor and Mellorine, are transported according to the protocol. Other passengers are handled according to their species protocols. Shortly thereon, Scalk gets a call from American investigator Ahote:  
\- We have something at 8th planet of this system.  
\- What is this? – Scalk asks.  
\- An engine.  
Scalk leaves the assembly line behind, and flies to 8th planet. The crew have found that engines have separated.  
\- What have you got over here? – he asks.  
The team of investigators points him to the engine which landed on one of the moons of the 8th planet. In addition, Ahote shows him a map of local constellations:  
\- And on these stars, we have found other 6 engines of the wings.  
Scalk thinks and asks:  
\- Then where is the engine number 4?  
\- We haven’t got it yet. – Ahote says.  
The investigation now gains another concern. Since repairs where engines fell off were usually associated with gender violence, this has added a new possible cause to the crash.


End file.
